The Clan McStrowger™

Clan Motto: “Canny wi’ a bawbee”.

Once upon a time in the far northern reaches of the Highlands of Scotland a small clan, the Clan McStrowger™, was founded by Lachlan“Faileadh dhe anail” McStrowger™ or “He of the stinky breath”. His sword was as mighty as his breath.

The clan lands are beautiful, full of lochs and glens, ideal for the breeding of the Noble McStrowger™ hamster, which could have been made famous by such paintings as “Hamster at Bay”, and “Monarch Hamster of the Glen” which in the original versions showed the noble Mc Strowger™ hamster both painted by Sir Edwin Landseer. However due to a dispute over payment Sir Edwin in a fit of pique painted out the hamster and painted in a stag.

The clan, renowned for it’s frugal ways, were the among the earliest conservationists and environmentalists. By their frugal approach to life, everything was re-used as many times as possible. They went further than just re-using. They planted trees and shrubberies for their herds of hamsters as shelter from the harsh Scottish winters.

In addition, they planted sweet grasses and local haggis as a protection against the incursion of wild, foreign grasses and haggis. They found ways to reuse practically everything, including their names. To date there have been 132 Lachlans, 153 Floras and 124 Dougals but only one Hamish [we hope you will understand why later].

The idea for the McStrowger™ Original, Reusable, Everlasting Greeting Card came from Dougal the Frugal, the 14th chieftain. When writing he would write first one way and then turn the letter upside down and write in the spaces between the first set of lines. He designed the first reusable greeting card during his idle time as a youngster minding the great herds of hamsters and spent years perfecting it only to forget where he put it.

Being extremely frugal he didn’t want to waste pen and ink redrafting it and was then to spend many years in a fruitless search.

The card was finally discovered by Flora in the bottom of her husband Hamish’s underwear drawer, which had been the clan chieftain’s official underwear drawer since the days of Dougal. Their frugality takes many forms!

It is she to whom the rest of the clan owe a debt of gratitude. Of course, this debt will never be paid. This being the Code of the McStrowger™ clan.

Lachlan McStrowger™
Dougal McStrowger™
Flora McStrowger™
Hamish McStrowger™

Once upon a time in the far northern reaches of the Highlands of Scotland lived a small clan.

The founder and chieftain of the Clan McStrowger™ was a huge, fierce-looking man named Lachlan McStrowger™. His ferocity was belied by his hobby; knitting. His wife kept his secret well. No-one dared challenge him.

Owing to the depth of his sporran and the shortness of his arms he became famous for his cheapness. His preferred method of acquisition was stealing. His miserly ways were legendary. He went so far as trying to charge his mother rent for the hovel where she lived. Her response was to smite him mightily with a frying pan and said she would charge him rent for the time he spent in her womb and for the damage to her pan.

The members of the clan picked up on his miserly ways. one even went so far as to try to sell cowpats as camouflage bonnets. Even painting them in bright stripes couldn’t make them sell. Several centuries passed before the tartan idea caught on.

The clan tried to eke out a living growing pineapples. As the pineapple crop was poor, actually non-existent, Lachlan decided to find a new livelihood for the clan.

The one thing they had in plenty was snow and ice. It therefore seemed logical to switch to ice sculpting. They had heard that the English King Edward was very big on parties. So ice sculptures were sent to London on a trial basis. King Edward was puzzled when he received a large, wet box from Lachlan, who was puzzled in turn by the insults from the English king.

After several other failed ventures Lachlan hit on his great idea: hamster ranching. Soon herds of hamsters roamed the glens for as far as the eye could see.
His neighboring clan chieftains grew jealous and started stealing his hamsters, causing him to hit on the brilliant idea of breeding attack hamsters to defend his herds. What a success!

The clan prospered. Soon the members of the Clan McStrowger™ were as numerous as the hamsters.

Their hamster herds became as legendary as their cheapness. One of their cheapest practices is to heat the knives at dinner so no one can use too much butter. Another time Lachlan came back from a raid to find all the clan standing outside with glasses in their hands. Someone had heard about the weather - that there would be a nip in the air.

A major breakthrough in hamster breeding could have come when Lachlan was caught short by bad weather and sought shelter in a remote cave. Whilst waiting out the bad weather Lachlan explored the depths of the cave and came upon a startling find - prehistoric cave paintings of sabre-toothed hamsters.

After a tiring day of hamster herding he was soon fast asleep. Sometime in the early hours he was awakened by a strange squeaking and there, outlined against the cave entrance, he was stunned to see the unmistakable outline of a sabre-toothed hamster. Somehow in the mountain fastnesses of these remote Highlands a small colony of sabre-toohed hamsters had survived from prehistoric days. He fainted with shock only to awaken to find a small furry body curled next to him and further back in the dimness were more of the little chaps. He named his new friend Bruce. Bruce is pictured with Lachlan and his faithful Shetland sheepdog Tanner in the ancestral family portrait.

The race of sabre-toothed hamsters has been a closely guarded Clan McStrowger™ secret since these ancient times and the care and feeding of this prehistoric breed has been delegated to only the clan chieftain since the founding of the clan; passed on from father to son in an elaborate but highly secret ritual. This ritual has passed into the lore of the Clan McStrowger™.

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Dougal McStrowger™, the son of Alistair the Forgetful, the 11th Chieftain of the Clan MacStrowger™, was a young man of many talents; chief of which he was exceptionally average. This brought him great peace of mind.

He was charged by his father with the care of the great herds of hamsters which ranged over the mountains and glens of Clan McStrowger™ land. Their grazing lands have to have a fine balance of nutrients for their delicate constitutions. Just the right mix of clover, heather, and haggis is needed get the best quality of wool from their prize hamsters.

His major contribution was to develop a special breed of hamster that is suitable for the consumption of wild, foreign haggis which is threatening to overwhelm the local domestic haggis which has been thriving on Clan McStrowger™ land.

Dougal spent many an hour lying in Glen McStrowger™ contemplating the legend, passed down through the generations, of the lost cave paintings of the sabre-toothed hamster reputed to have been found by Lachlan, the founder of the clan.
He roused himself and set out to find the lost cave paintings. After several days he stumbled upon the very cave discovered by his ancestor Lachlan many centuries before.

He gazed rapturously on the wall paintings of the long believed extinct sabre-toothed hamster. As night was falling he was forced to spend the night in the cave. As with Lachlan he was awakened by a squeaking in the depths of the cave and the presence of a furry little body close by. It was Bob, a direct descendant of Bruce, the sabre-toothed hamster, discovered by Lachlan.

This discovery ranks right up there with his realization that what he thought were holes in a very large sheet of black paper in the sky were actually stars.

He rushed back to Castle McStrowger™ to tell his father, who on hearing his son’s account of his night’s experience then remembered about the cave.

“Och laddie,” Alistair said (he called Dougal laddie because he could never remember Dougal's name), ”You have reminded me that I was supposed to pass on the secret of the sabre-toothed hamsters to you on your 15th birthday. Thank you for reminding me.”

“How could you forget such a thing Father? he asked. “This is the greatest discovery since I found that round wheels work much better than square ones!”
“Slow down my boy”, said Alistair, “Ye canna reveal the secret of the sabre tooth hamster.”

They agreed that the secret would be safest if it was written down and secreted in the back of the clan chieftain’s underwear drawer, a dark and secret place if ever there was one. Thus Bruce the Sabre-toothed hamster and his descendants passed safely into the secret lore of the clan. The clan archivists are still researching clan myth and fact and we will bring you more as it is verified.

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Flora McStrowger™ is the wife of Hamish, the present clan chieftain. Named after a famous ancestor of hers, Flora MacDonald, Flora is a proud and brave woman. her bravery stems in part from her being married to Hamish for so long.

Flora is of noble birth, being a descendant of King Duncan the First’s little known younger brother, “Loony Prince Wullie”. She inherited only two unfortunate traits of her noble ancestor: one being having no sense at all in choosing a partner, another being tight with a bawbee. Her crafty miserliness matches that of Hamish; she having been caught trying to sell small pebbles as hamster eggs. Some simple folk are still waiting for them to hatch.

When Flora’s official duties permit she enjoys walking her dog, Tanner, a lovable Sheltie, through Glen McStrowger™ to check on the hamster herds. Her main daily duty is overseeing the weaving sheds where the hamster wool is woven into the world-famous McStrowger™ tweed. This fine cloth is highly sought after due to its rarity.

As the wife of the clan chieftain she has numerous other duties, many of which involve extricating Hamish from the sundry messes in which he lands himself. Apart from the “Case of the Pogo Stick and the Missing Breeks”, Hamish also planned an attempt to scale Ben Loony on his pogo stick. Flora foiled his plan by hiding his pogo stick in his underwear drawer knowing it would be the last place he would look.

In addition she presides over The Great Hamster Round-up, an annual event attended by the whole clan. It takes many people to round up the hamsters as the Great Highland Hamster is a very fast and canny little chap. Many a braw Highlander has received a vicious nip from its formidable fangs.

The Great Hamster Shearing event is held on Octember the 33rd, right after the Great Hamster Round-Up. The record time for hamster shearing is presently held by Flora and is a little under 2 hours as it requires great care to shear hamsters in order not to hurt the little chaps.

Another of Flora’s accomplishments is spinning hamster fur into wool, a painstaking task, requiring many hours of effort but the reward is the magnificent McStrowger™ plaid which is valued the world over. We will be bringing more of Flora and her tireless efforts to manage Hamish whilst retaining her sanity in the future.

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Hamish McStrowger™ is the 14th clan chieftain. Like his famous ancestor Lachlan, the founder of the Clan McStrowger™, Hamish is a visionary. The fact that he sees things no-one else can is no cause of concern to Hamish as being misunderstood is a fate common to visionaries.

Hamish claims to have seen Nessie on numerous occasions near Castle McStrowger™, the ancestral home of the clan McStrowger™. As the clan’s lands are at least 50 miles from Loch Ness this is quite a feat. Hamish says he has had dinner with Nessie several times and states positively that Nessie has excellent table manners and is a great raconteur. He claims this has nothing at all to do with his fondness for whisky!

Beyond his friendship with Nessie, Hamish believes that his greatest claim to fame is his phenomenal ability on a pogo-stick. Hamish has represented the Clan McStrowger™ several times in the Highland Games at Inverloony in the 100 yard Pogo Dash and the Cross Country Pogo events. His gold medals hang proudly in the Great Hall of Castle McStrowger™ as well as his “Golden Sporran” for being the only contestant to pogo from Inverloony to Loch Loony who has ever been arrested. This was for indecent exposure, having forgotten to put his underwear on under his kilt prior to starting. Thus answering the age-old question of “what is under the kilt?”

He was released without charge once the Procurator Fiscal learned it was Hamish who was the subject of the arrest, knowing that he could never be found guilty under Scottish law, there being a law against prosecuting anyone named Hamish McStrowger™, it being determined that merely being Hamish McStrowger™ is punishment enough.

Following proudly in the miserly traditions of the clan, Hamish is famous for watering down water. This took the form of topping up spring water bottles with rain water and re-selling them. The police are still trying to find something with which to charge him.

Another time he was seen scraping the wallpaper from the Great Hall of the castle. When asked if he was redecorating he said he no, he was moving.

Beyond this, Hamish is quite a pleasant fellow and we will be pleased to bring more of his activities to your attention in the future.

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